RED TAPE (a.k.a. Rules)
Article I - Official Terminology
EVENT - The official title of the EVENT is: "The Annual K.C. Geiger Park Improvement Committee St. Marys River SummerFest Duck Race." It is also variously known as "The Annual SummerFest Duck Race," "The SummerFest Duck Race," "The Duck Race," and/or "The Race." It has been referred to as "The biggest event going on anywhere," "The second-greatest spectacle in racing" and "`River Downs' comes to St. Marys."
All of the above hereinafter apply, although only "EVENT" is used. The EVENT is not to be known by its acronym, "TAKCGPICSMRS-FDR." Anyone witnessed by EVENT Officials referring to the EVENT by this acronym, either verbally, or in print, or by sign language, or by Morse Code, or by semaphore or smoke signal, may be permanently banned from participation in the EVENT, at the EVENT Officials' discretion.
Article II - Owners
Section One - Establishment of Ownership (VERY IMPORTANT)
Paragraph One - Title to Entrant
Subparagraph A: Registration
--- Item (1.) Each official Race Entrant Owner must register Name, Address and Telephone Number with EVENT officials prior to one-half (1/2) hour prior to the EVENT.
--- Item (2.) Said Owner shall be provided by EVENT officials a document (a.k.a. Ticket Stub) establishing irrefutable mock temporary (1-year) Ownership of One (1) discrete identifiable Race Entrant.
--- Item (3.) No member of the immediate family of any EVENT official is eligible under any circumstances to (a.) win a prize, or (b.) become a Race Entrant Owner.
Paragraph Two - Procedure
Subparagraph A: Procurement
--- Item (1.) Prospective Owner must: (a) Register with EVENT Official(s), and (IMPORTANT PART - PAY ATTENTION!) (b) Tender Five United States Dollars ($5.00) by Cash (Only if paying in person) or Personal Check (No Stamps or other foreign or domestic Negotiable or Non-negotiable Instruments, please) to EVENT Official(s) at time of Registration (see Article II, Section One, Paragraph One, Subparagraph A, Items (1.) and (2.) above).
Article III - Race Entrants
Section One - Terms and Identification
Paragraph One - Description
Subparagraph A: Color
--- Item (1.) Yellow.
Subparagraph B: Dimensions
--- Item (1.) Not Big.
Subparagraph C: Identification
--- Item (1.) Numbered (a) Individually, and (b) Below water line.
Subparagraph D: Configuration
--- Item (1.) Very Like A Rubber Duck.
Paragraph Two - Nomenclature
Subparagraph A: Official Language
--- Item (1.) The Official Language for the EVENT shall be Anglus.
Subparagraph B: Title of Race Entrant
--- Item (1.) Call it a Duck, for crying out loud!
Article IV - The Race
Section One - The Race Track
Paragraph One - Location
Subparagraph A: Vertical
--- Item (1.) The top one-half (1/2) inch (approx.) of the St. Marys River.
--- Item (2.) Exact elevation varies in narrow range somewhere beween sea level and 14,000 feet.
Subparagraph B: Horizontal
--- Item (1.) St. Marys River, between (a) South Street Bridge to south, (b) South Street Parking Lot to west, (c) Spring Street Foot-bridge to north, and (d) Memorial Park to east.
--- Item (2.) Exact Latitude and Longitude unknown and irrelevent.
Section Two - The Race Start
--- Item (1.) (a) Head Up; (b) Number Down
Paragraph One - Race Entrant Form
Subparagraph A: Description
Paragraph Two - Release
Subparagraph A: Official Starting Signal
---Item (1.) Sixth bell strike at Six (6) o'clock p.m. (date elsewhere specified) Memorial Park Clock Tower Bell, when audible.
Section Three - Conducting The Race
Paragraph One - Discipline
Subparagraph A: Entrants
--- Item (1.) EVENT Officials reserve the right to (a) physically correct Entrants as to Form (see Article IV, Section Two, Paragraph One, Subparagraph A, Item (1.), (a) and (b) above).
--- Item (2.) EVENT Officials reserve the right to alter the path of Entrants for the purpose of separating them from (a) Track Lane Markers, and/or (b) each other, by any means necessary.
Subparagraph B: Spectators
--- Item (1.) Spectators may be permanently banned from participation in the EVENT for, in the opinion of EVENT Officials, (a) Excessive Foul Language (Fowl Language is permissible, although not Official - see Article Three, Paragraph Two, Subparagraph A, Item (1.) above), (b) Verbal or Physical Violence against other spectators, (c) Verbal or Physical Violence against EVENT Officials (deserved or otherwise), or (d) Physical Violence (defined as throwing debris toward the Track) against Race Entrants (verbal violence against Race Entrants is permissible, within the bounds of Article IV, Section Three, Paragraph One, Subparagraph B, Item (1.)(a) above).
Section Four - The Race Finish
Paragraph One - Judges
Subparagraph A: Procedure
--- Item (1.) (a) EVENT Judges will remove a Prize-winning Race Finisher the exact moment said Finisher crosses the Finish Line, in the Judges' opinion.
(b) EVENT Judges' opinions are Final with no appeal granted so don't ask for one.
Paragraph Two - Prize-winning Entrants
Subparagraph A: "Place" Prizes
--- Item (1.) "Place" Prize-winning Entrants will be immediately placed single-file in the Prize Chute by the EVENT Judges.
Subparagraph B: "Lucky Duck" Prizes
--- Item (1.) EVENT Judges will physically attach each "Lucky Duck" to the Race Finisher immediately following it across the Finish Line.
--- Item (2.) (a) A "Place" Prize-winning Entrant may also win a "Lucky Duck" Prize if said "Lucky Duck" immediately precedes said "Place" Prize-winning Entrant across the Finish Line, but (b) no one Race Entrant may win more than one (1) cash prize.
--- Item (3.) Should two (2) or more "Lucky Ducks" cross the Finish Line without an intervening Race Entrant separating them, (a) the next two or more Race Entrants to cross the Finish Line shall win those "Lucky Duck" prizes in the respective order of finish, one winner per "Lucky Duck;" (b) No Race Entrant may win more than One (1) "Lucky Duck" Prize.
--- Item (4.) If one or more "Lucky Duck(s)" finish last (after the "Lame Duck"), their respective prizes shall be awarded to the Race Entrant(s) immediately preceding the "Lame Duck" across the finish line, in the reverse order of finish.
Article V - Award of Prizes
Section One - Owners Present at EVENT
Paragraph One - Claiming Prizes
Subparagraph A: Procedure
--- Item (1.) Winning Owners may claim Prizes by presenting to EVENT Officials evidence of Ownership (see Article II, Section One, Paragraph One, Subparagraph A, Item (2.) above), or other satisfactory proof of identity.
Subparagraph B: Time & Location
--- Item (1.) First Prize - the number of the Race Entrant crossing the finish line first (in the Race Judges' opinion) will be announced immediately.
--- Item (2.) Numbers of Place Prize and "Lucky Duck" winners will be announced at the Race Site as soon as possible and practical.
--- Item (3.) Prizes will be awarded following the EVENT (see Article V, Section One, Paragraph One, Subparagraph B, Item (1.) above), at the Duck Coop (a.k.a. Duck Booth), with First Prize Sponsor and EVENT Officials presiding, as soon as winning Race Entrant Owners can be identified and listed, in any event no later than 8:00 p.m. same day.
Section Two - Owners Not Present at EVENT
Paragraph One - Identification
Subparagraph A: Notification
--- Item (1.) Prize-winning Owners not present at the EVENT will be contacted by (a) telephone or (b) mail by EVENT Officials, and given instructions for receiving their Prizes at that time.
Subparagraph B: Vilification
--- Item (1.) EVENT Officials take an exceedingly dim view of anyone not attending the EVENT, and will expect an iron-clad excuse of some kind to be given at the time of Prize-winning notification. While Owners technically need not be present to win, it is an extreme breach of Duck Race etiquette, a SummerFest foul-up, and - it must be made clear - an obvious symptom of low breeding, to attend The Annual K.C. Geiger Park Improvement Committee St. Marys River SummerFest Duck Race in spirit only. This practice must be expunged from the face of the Earth if future Owners and Spectators, not to mention Race Entrants, are to benefit from the full enjoyment they so richly deserve from the EVENT. So Be There, aloha.
You didn't read all that, did you?
The Annual K.C. Geiger Park Improvement Committee
St. Marys River SummerFest Duck Race
is a fund-raising activity of (surprise!)
the K.C. Geiger Park Improvement Committee,
which is a non-profit organization.
All proceeds from this EVENT and other Committee functions
are administered through the St. Marys Community Foundation.
All donations are tax-deductible.
Race Entrant Owner chances of winning depends on how many prizes are donated and how many tickets are sold. EVENT Officials are not required by law to inform the public that buying twice as many tickets doubles the chances of winning.