Torpedo!
Do certain celebrities annoy the hell out of you? Whether it be a TV, movie, rock, or sports star? Sometimes wouldn’t you just like to put them all on a cruise ship, set it adrift upon the ocean, then TORPEDO IT TO HELL? I sure know I would like to do that sometimes. So, let’s just consider this page my cruise ship, and upon it I’m setting celebrities adrift, with my finger on the launch button. These people annoy me to no end. Please wave from the deck as I christen thee, the S.S. SEE YA!
03. (TIE) That 5000 year old plastic surgery mummy Joan and her no talent hack wannabe daughter Melissa Rivers – I hate these two women. I know it’s not good to use the word hate, and GOD forgive me for doing so, but these women could piss off the pope. They think they are so above everyone else while they do their fashion reports from the red carpet, it’s disgusting. You know what I’d do if I was going to a premier and I knew they’d be there? I’d bring a mirror, and when they ripped on me for what I was wearing, I’d hold the mirror up to them and ask; "You’re judging me, and you LOOK LIKE THIS?!" I’d expect one of two thing to happen. 1. They’d just rip me that much more on their TV report, or 2. Melissa would burst into flames from her own hideous visage and Joan would realize she’s been dead since the mid-80s and would crumble into a pile of dust and cosmetic surgery additives.
04. Anna Nichole Smith – Ugh and bleh. I’m usually a reality TV junkie, but when I saw the preview for this show, I knew reality TV had gone too far. I regularly love watching train wrecks, but her show is even too painful for me to watch. Let’s go over how Anna got famous shall we? She starts off working at a chicken place in Texas (A state I LOVE by the way), gets breast implants, becomes a Playboy and CK model, makes a couple movie and TV appearances, becomes whacked out of her mind on drugs, marries a 300 year old man, he dies, she becomes almost as rich as Bill Gates, then she gets weird.
05. Chris Judd – I don’t even know what category to put this guy in. He’s not really a TV, movie, or rock star. You know why he’s famous? He’s famous because he was married to
(Shutter) Jennifer Lopez (Who I’m POSITIVE will be making an appearance on the S.S. SEE YA somewhere down the line). O.K. granted, he was a dancer in some videos, and was on ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here’, but come on. And for that he earns a place on board. Who knows…I may even put him in a cabin next to J-Ho…errr J-Lo.06. The Cast Of Friends – These guys will probably need an entire deck to themselves. They are getting over one million dollars an episode. That’s over twenty-two million dollars a season. That’s pretty bad in and of itself, but that’s not why I put them on the ship. I put them here because they were suppose to end the show last year. Every single interview I saw with ANY of them, the first question asked was "Is this really the last season for the show?" And what was the answer? It was YES. I was sick of seeing any of them on TV. I was sick of that question, and I was even more sick of the answer. NOW, they have decided to go yet another season. So now, anytime any of them are interviewed when the new TV season starts this fall, what is going to be the first question asked? You guessed it. And frankly I don’t want to go through with that again. ALL ABOARD! By the way, the show will be on for 9 years next season, and the entire time the show’s been on the air, they were ALWAYS asked, "Do you all get along this well in real life?" After the first seven years, don’t you think we would start believing them?
07. Jennifer Lopez – Oh, she should board right behind bitch boy Durst. Jenny from the block…Give me a break. She’s phonier than Anna Nichole Smith’s breasts, and 9/10th’s of Joan Rivers. When was the last time Jenny was on the block? And isn’t that song just a slap in the face to people who live on the block by saying, I got WAY MORE than you? I hear that she won’t let the people who work with her look her in the eyes. I also hear she blows up at anyone serving her if they do anything she doesn’t like. Not to mention I’m sick of seeing her every where. I’m sick of her name period. She can’t act. She can’t sing. She’s just damn annoying.
08. Rosie O’Donnel – Speaking of phony…She’s about as real as a three dollar bill. Her talk show sucked. Her stand up is sub-par. Her acting ability rivals that of Pauly Shore. AND she’s probably one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet. Any one remember when Tom Selleck was on her talk show to promote a movie he had done, and she ambushed him and just berated him about guns, gun control and the NRA. That was pretty bad, but Miss O’Donnel seemed to forget that 1. She had Star Wars action figures all over her desk at the time, and what were all of them holding in their hands? Guns. And 2. She and Penny Marshall were doing commercials for whom? K-Mart, that’s who. And who is one of America’s largest suppliers of guns? (GASP again) K-Mart is! Surprise, surprise, surprise. Rosie belongs in a league of her own, but she’ll be in good company on board.
09. Vince Neil – OK, granted I am a huge Motley Crue fan, but Vince has earned a suite down by the engine room. Don’t you hate it when your heroes let you down? All through high school I worshiped the Crue. I had a Motley shirt for every day of the week. I drew Motley stuff all over my notebooks and jackets. They could do no wrong in my eyes. Then the band fired Vince. I was bummed, but these things happen. I wasn’t going to choose sides either. I could be a fan of the band with new (And far more superior) singer John Corabi, and of Vince in his solo endeavors. That was till the night Jamie and I went to see Vince in concert at a club in Columbus. After the show we followed his tour bus to Burger King. His band came out, signed autographs and was really cool to us. I saw Vince sitting on the bus couch watching everything. I held up my ‘Shout At The Devil’ album cover and waved for Vince to come out and please sign some autographs. There were only about 5 of us out there. It would have taken only a few minutes. But what does he do? He waves a friend of his over to him, he pointed at me…and he laughed. He laughed at me. Since then, not only did I push him off of the pedestal I put him on, I wanted to pick it up and beat him with it. I now take every opportunity that comes to me, to slag him. Suck it and rot Vince.
10. The Staff Of Entertainment Tonight – This show was a trail blazer, now I don’t even know what to compare it to. A third rate television tabloid seems to be a decent comparison. I saw Bob Goin interview Jim Carrey today. Jim said something only slightly funny, and Bob laughed like there was no tomorrow. And it wasn’t even a good fake laugh. It almost seemed to say ‘Dear GOD in Heaven, I hate my job and my life so much. Is this what I’m sentenced to do for the rest of my life? And if so, please, just take me now.’ And what is this shows ultra weird obsession with the Kennedy’s? Do they have stock in the show? Does Mary Hart have a hidden shrine to them in her dressing room? They’re political, they’re not entertainers. It’s just down right weird. The show’s only saving grace is Leonard Maltin. He gives the show the slightest bit of credibility. But that’s not enough to keep them from getting a room on the Lito Deck.
11. Whitney Houston – What can I say? She pretty much speaks for herself. You know, I HATE the word diva, but if this word was coined for a single person it would be Whitney. She just has an air of superiority about her. And it’s not one that seems to be un-intentional. She seems to talk down to people. Just the attitude I pick up is, ‘OK, I’m talking to you, you’re so lucky I’m taking nano-seconds out of my life to spend on you. Now, WHAT DO YOU WANT?’ I don’t know. Next to J-Ho she just seems to have total contempt for everyone who’s not her. And for that alone, she has a cabin prepared.
12. Carrot Top – Is anyone else out there as sick as I am of his 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials? Yeah, his stand up routine may be funny, but here’s a little advice to Hollywood…NOT EVERY COMEDIAN DESERVES SITCOMS AND COMMERCIALS! Did you get that Hollywood? I just don’t get it. No collect calls from the S.S. See Ya.
13. Mariah Carrey – I have no idea where to begin on this one. We could start off with exactly how nuts she is. Hey Mariah, maybe you should check to see if that straight jacket comes with sequins. Then there’s her "movie" career. Anyone see Glitter? I didn’t think so. I think this movie was in the bargain bins the day it was released in the theatres. Then we have her MTV Cribs episode. I can’t stand this woman, but if I get a chance to tape that show, I’m going to. Just to remind myself exactly how NOT to act, EVER. I think this is the only human on the planet who has more of a superiority complex than Whitney. I’m going to try to arrange it so Mariah, Whitney, and J-Ho are performing a show together when it comes time to fire that torpedo. KABOOM
14. Ray Romano – Everybody loves Raymond? I DON’T THINK SO! This goes back to the not every comedian deserves a sitcom. I’ve seen his show a few times, and it seems to me that it’s everyone else on the show that has the talent, and he’s just riding on their coat tails. Yet, he’s the one who gets the big payday. To sarcastically quote the Refreshments…Yeah…that seems fair. Well…all’s fair when it comes to the S.S. See Ya!
15. The network executives at FOX. The Pitts? Greg The Bunny? Mr. Personality? Man Vs. Beast? Temptation Island? Models Inc.? Again, I just don’t get it. I know I’ve said this over and over again, but how can a network that has aired some of the best shows in Television history keep putting on crap show after crap show, and sacrificing other great shows for them?? SOME ONE TELL ME!! * Ahem * Sorry, I’m ok now. Well, in their cabins they’ll only get their $#!+ on their TV’s. Hope they like them, cause no one else did.
16. Brooke Burns – The hostes of NBC’s Dog Eat Dog. Man this woman is annoying! She dresses like she should be behind bed room doors with the partner of her choice. And her voice…oh man…her voice is so damn annoying. She’s worse than a cheerleader on speed. No one…I repeat…NO ONE should be that damn perky! And she thinks she’s so funny. Well if her lines are scripted…her writers SHOULD BE FIRED! And with that, Ms. Burns gets a room by the pool since that’s where most of the events on Dog Eat Dog take place. Wave to the people Brooke!
18. Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake – It’s insane what one nipple will do to a country. Granted, I agree that the whole thing happened at an inopportune time, when billions of people are watching with their kids, and I do believe that those involved should be punished. BUT…I do not believe the extremes that are being taken else where, because of two attention/media whores. Gee, big surprise that Janet’s new single/CD were coming out a bit after all this crap happened, and suddenly her name is back in the news. But thanks to Miss Jackson and Mr. Timberpunk there are censoring measures happening that would make the PMRC (wow…I just totally dated myself with that reference. The PMRC (Not to be confused with RCPM which is Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers) were a group of senator’s wives, back in the ‘80s, headed by former vice president Al Gore’s wife Tipper, who had nothing better to do with their time, than to listen to heavy metal/rock/pop records, and hand down mandates letting us know what we should and shouldn’t be listening to, and wanting to put those (now familiar) Parent Warning Explicit Lyrics stickers on CD’s with bad, or suggestive language, or covers with "adult" themes.) go: "Damn, they’re getting a little ridiculous with their censoring!" DJ’s are being censored (Howard Stern), or fired because of it. Songs and videos are being censored because of it. Everything has a monster tape delay on it now. I’ll tell you what, pretty soon, everything is going to be so sugar coated, the only person you’ll see on TV will be Ryan Seacrest. Well, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to censor the life boats from the S.S. See Ya.
19. Outkast – Hey Ya, I want to put you on my ship! I’m so sick of these guys. I hate that song and when that’s the case, I seem to hear it everywhere. Hollywood has realized that the song is hip and cool and should be on every movies sound, and in every commercial. It’s also one of those songs that you can’t get out of your head once it’s there. (That’s called an ear-worm) So, I’ll shake the torpedo like a Polaroid pictures when it’s launched!
20. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lichet – Again, Oh man! I hate it when people get famous for the worst things. And the fact that Jessica is more famous for being stupid, than she is for her music or her acting (secretly bursting out laughing after typing that last line), and Nick is just famous for riding her coat tails. Yes I know he was in some boy band, and has something sort of like a solo career (again busting out laughing), but MTV wants to take advantage of a spoiled brat’s stupidity, and put them on Television and everybody loves them. What’s worse is they don’t even know they’re that lame, or they don’t care, which is even more scary. Well, let’s just hope she stays stupid enough to accept the invitation to board the S.S. See Ya!
21. Ryan Seacrest – Ryan is one of those guys who are the exact reason this section of the web page was created. Here’s a question…When is Ryan MOST annoying? A. On American Idol. B. On, On Air With Ryan Seacrest. (Which has been cancelled Ah-hahahahaha) C. During his daily radio show, that he got after Rick Dees got fired from the job. D. During the Weekly Top 40 that he got after Kasey Kasem retired. Or E. During ANY of those stupid commercials he does. The answer is F…ALL OF THE ABOVE!! He’s just so annoying. Whether it’s his ass kissing soft ball questions during an interview. Or him trying to act cool during his commercials. Or any time he’s on camera at all during American Idol. Or his stupid "Seacrest Out," catch phrase when the shows over. I hope you have time to utter those words when the button’s pushed to sink that damn boat!
22. Michael Jackson – Too many reasons to list here. Just pick one.
23. Brittany Spears – Is it her really, really bad lip-syncing? Is it her horrible acting? Is it her 50-hour wedding that was all the talk for what seemed like a decade? Is it her GOD awful music? What ever it is, we’ll be sure to hit her one more time with a torpedo, up side of a ship! Oops, I did it again, I sunk the damn boat!
24. Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson – Any one else sick of seeing these guys every other week in a new movie? It’s bad enough when they make crap movies on their own, (Although, I hate to admit this…I did like Mystery Men, and Duplex, those are the exceptions to the rule) but when they combine their forces, they make a incredible machine of suckage! There should be a new law that, if they’re going to make a monster pile of steaming celluloid together they have to make half a dozen works of video feces of their own. And while I’m at it, I’m going to add Owen’s brother Luke to this section. These three guys are proof you don’t have to be talented to make it in show business. Three people in a cabin for two!
25. Sofia Copalla – Speaking of making it in show business without talent, we have the daughter of Francis Ford Copalla, and cousin of Nicholas Cage. Anyone else waste two hours of their life seeing that ‘Better off as a coaster’ DVD ‘Lost In Translation’? OH MY LORD! How did this woman win an Oscar for best original screenplay? I’m guessing daddy had something to do with it. Either that, or cousin Nicky. ‘Lost In Translation’ is the kind of movie that, everybody says is so great, and is incredible, because they’re afraid if they don’t like the critically acclaimed movie that everyone and their brother is raving about, they’re going to look dumb, or like they don’t have any taste. Well, screw them. I’ll tell you right out, THAT MOVIE SUCKED! This movie has what I call ‘Lemming Reviews’. Everyone has to be like everyone else when it comes to reviews of this movie. Sofia’s next movie is going to be called ‘Lost At Sea’, after she boards the S.S. See Ya!
26. The Darkness – These guys suck! Well…the singer for these guys sucks! I first saw these guys on VH1, but didn’t have the volume up, and I thought: ‘Wow, a glam band! I’ll have to check them out." So I downloaded a song, and I was blown away. Blown away by their amount of suckage! Tiny Tim didn’t sing that high when he was alive. I’m all for hitting a falsetto note once in a while. But to have it crammed down our throats over and over is just too much. I don’t understand. There are plenty of worthy talented bands out there without a deal, and these guys are getting massive rotation on TV and radio. It’s just not fair. And because of that, they earn first class tickets on the S.S. See Ya!
27. Ahlee Simpson – Nepotism is a ugly word (It means getting where you are not because of you but because of a family member or a friend), and it’s even uglier when it blows up in a mess like Ashlee. The only reason this girl has any fame is because of her equally stupid sister. She was on Jessica’s TV show, so MTV gave her, her own show. Her sister has something that resembles a singing career, so they gave her a recording contract. Well other than the S.S. See Ya, there is a little cosmic justice after what happened on Saturday Night Live. Excuse 1. My band started playing the wrong song. Excuse 2. It was a computer glitch and someone at SNL played the wrong vocal guide track. Excuse 3. I have acid reflux and I lost my voice, and had to use a vocal track. Excuse 4. (From her drummer) We originally practiced the songs in a different order, and did Pieces Of Me second. So, when we went live, I went back to the order we did them during practice, and accidentally started Pieces Of Me again. You know what? Pick one, I don’t care which one. I don’t even care if it’s a lie any more. JUST PICK ONE!
28. Hillary Duff – How do these girls get famous? She can’t act. If it wasn’t for studio magic she couldn’t sing, and yet, there they are, on my TV, on the radio, in the movies. It’s just sad. Some marketing guy tells a bunch of pre-pubescent girls she’s cool, and they eat it up with a spoon and keep going back for more and more. And what’s worse, is like Jessica Simpson, Hillary has a sister who’s more than likely going to be famous because she’s Hillary Duff’s sister. And if/when that happens, I’m sure she’ll also get her own cabin and mention right here. My prediction…You will NEVER see Hillary Duff up for an Academy Award. You will NEVER see Hillary Duff win a Grammy. You will never see Hillary Duff win an Emmy. You will however see Hillary Duff win a spot on the S.S. See Ya.
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