Two elephants - Harry & Faye
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way
So they boarded a plane
They're now kissing in Maine
Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.

Don't even ask. I have no idea why I made this page.....

To get the answers, simply select (highlight) the area below each question. In other words, place your cursor just below the first character in the question, press and hold your left mouse button, and drag through the area where the answer should be....Taa-daa! It's magic!

Why did the elephant wear a green suit?
To hide on the pool table!

Why did the elephant wear a blue suit?
His green suit was at the cleaners!

What do you call an elephant wearing a pink dress, yellow stockings, and green earmuffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you with the earmuffs on.

Why did the elephant have holes in his hide?
He forgot to put mothballs in his trunk!

How do you make an elephant float?
Get a large glass of root beer and toss in an elephant!
How do you make an elephant stew?
Make him wait for a few hours!

How does an elephant climb an oak tree?
He sits on an acorn and waits!
How does an elephant get down from the oak tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits for fall!
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck!
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
It doesn't, it gets down from a duck, too

How do you run over an elephant?
Climb up his tail, sprint to his head, and slide down his trunk.

How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
His footprints are in the pudding!

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So he wouldn't fall into the hot cocoa!

Why is an elephant large, gray, and wrinkled?
Because if it was small, white, and round, it would be an aspirin!

Why did the elephant quit the circus?
He was tired of working for peanuts!

Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
So they can jump up in trees and punch monkeys.
What sound do monkeys hate most?
Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

Why are elephants all wrinkled?
Did you ever try to iron one?

Why did the elephant take up the saxophone?
She was tired of trumpeting.

What do elephants have that no other animals have?
Baby elephants.

Why don't elephants drink martinis?
Ever try to get an olive out of your nose?

What's gray and lights up?
An electric elephant.

What are the largest bugs in the world?
Eleph-ants!

What does an elephant do before his vacation?
He packs his trunk!
How does an elephant travel on his vacation?
A jumbo jet!

Why are elephants such poor dancers?
Because they have two left feet!

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside-down in the custard!
Have you ever found an elephant in your custard?
See, it works!

Why do elephants paint their toenails green?
So they can hide in the pea patch!
Why do elephants paint their toenails blue?
So they can hide in blueberry bushes!
Why do elephants paint their toenails all different colors?
So they can hide in a bowl of M&M's!
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees!
Why don't you ever see elephants in cherry trees?
Because it works!
Why should you never walk through the cherry orchard between 4:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon?
The elephants are hiding in the trees waiting to jump on you!
Why do elephants want to jump on you?
They like that squishy feeling between their toes!
Why do elephants have big, flat feet?
From jumping out of cherry trees at you between 4:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon!
Why do crocodiles have flat noses?
They were looking into the cherry orchard between 4:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon!
Why do beavers have big, flat tails?
They went walking through the cherry orchard between 4:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon!
What do beavers do with their big, flat tails?
Stamp out forest fires!
What do elephants do with their big, flat feet?
Stamp out flaming beavers!
Why do giraffes have such long necks?
To spit on flaming elephants!
What are elephant's big, round, flat feet shaped perfectly for?
Walking on lily pads.
Why are frogs so short?
They didn't get off the lily pads fast enough!

How can you tell when there's an elephant under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
How can you tell when there's an elephant in your bed?
He has a big E on his pajama shirt pocket.
How can you tell if an elephant has slept in your bed?
Look for the wrinkled sheets and the peanut shells under the pillow.

What has three ears, two trunks, six legs, and four tails?
An elephant with spare parts!

Why did the elephant cross the road?
It was the chickens day off.
What was the elephant doing when he crossed the road?
About 4 MPH.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken.

What do elephants and bluebirds have in common?
Neither can ride a bicycle!
Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
He has no thumb to ring the little bell!
How can you tell if an elephant has stolen your bicycle?
There are ruts three feet deep in your yard.
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimists!
Why don't elephants buy ten-speed bikes?
They can't use hand brakes.

What game is the elephants favorite?
Squash.

What's large, gray, and goes around and around and around and around....?
An elephant stuck in a revolving door!

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little whine.

What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, squish, clomp, clomp, clomp, squish, clomp, clomp, clomp, squish, ...
An elephant with one wet tennis shoe.

Why can't elephants go to the beach?
They can't keep their trunks up!
Why can't two elephants swim together?
They only have one pair of trunks!

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
Squeeze him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him dirty jokes until he turns red, then squeeze him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Brag about your belongings until he turns green, then tell him dirty jokes until he turns red, then squeeze him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a plaid elephant?
Silly you. Everyone knows there are no plaid elephants.

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
An elephant with a stuffed up nose!

What sound do you get when you drop an elephant down a mine shaft?
A-flat minor.
What sound do you get when you drop an elephant onto an army base?
A-flat major.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a gopher?
Huge holes in your back yard!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elefino!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a whale?
A submarine with a built in snorkel!

Why do elephants wear sandals?
So they don't sink in the sand!
Why do ostriches stick their heads in the sand?
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals!

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they don't have glove compartments!

What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movie theater?
You miss most of the picture!

How many elephants can you stuff into an empty telephone booth?
One. Then it isn't empty any more!

Why do elephants wear sneakers?
Coaches won't let them on the gym floor without them.

Why do elephants wear ice skates?
They can't play hockey very well on skis.
Why don't elephants waterski?
Very few own boats.

Why don't elephants wear purple coats?
They don't want to be mistaken for grapes.

Who is the most famous male singing elephant?
Harry Elephante.
Who is the most famous female singing elephant?
Elephant Gerald.

How is an elephant like a Volkswagon beetle?
The trunk is in the front!
How many elephants can fit into a Volkswagon beetle?
Five. Two in the front seat, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment!

What's as big as an elephant, yet doesn't weigh an ounce?
An elephant's shadow!

What's red, white, and gray?
Elephant gumbo soup!

What does an elephant call a dinosaur?
Extinct!

What's gray and yellow and gray and yellow and gray and yellow and gray and yellow.....
An elephant with a daisy in his mouth rolling down a hill!

What's gray and not there?
No elephants!

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
Sir.

What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
You can't make a spitball out of an elephant!
What's another difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
You can't make a paper airplane out of an elephant.

What's the difference between elephants and peanut butter?
Elephants don't stick to the roof of your mouth!

What weighs three tons and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.

What's clear on the outside and gray on the inside?
An elephant in a baggie!

How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't be silly. Elephants can't change lightbulbs!

Why did the elephant lie on the ground with his feet in the air?
To trip low-flying canaries!
How did the elephant get the yellow spot on his forehead?
He stood up too soon!

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence!

What's red and white on the outside, and gray and white on the inside?
Campbells cream of elephant soup.

What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?
An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have elephants!

What do you get when an elephant squirts water from its trunk?
A jumbo jet.

What did the psychiatrist charge the elephant?
$90 for the session and $500 for the couch.

What's big and green and has a trunk?
An unripe elephant.

How do you catch an elephant?
Hide in the grass and make a noise like a peanut!

What do you call Batman and Robin after they try to stop a stampeding herd of elephants?
Flatman and Ribbon.

What do elephants do to amuse each other?
They tell people jokes!

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away it's credit cards!

Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.

What do you do to a yellow elephant?
Teach him to be more brave!
What do you do to a blue elephant?
Cheer him up.
What do you do to a red elephant?
Quit embarassing him.

Why did the elephant wear silver earrings?
Gold was too expensive.

What do you call 500 elephants at a concert?
The audience.

What do you do when an elephant has hay fever?
Stay about a mile away.

Why do so many elephants live in zoos?
It's cheaper than an apartment.

When does an elephant charge?
When he doesn't have the cash.

Why don't elephants cross their eyes?
Because i's are dotted, t's are crossed.

Where are elephants found?
Usually, right where you lost them!

How can you tell if there's an elephant in the back seat of your car?
If the front wheels don't touch the ground and someone keeps stealing your peanuts, it's probably an elephant.

Why are elephants vegetarians?
Who can afford to eat 125 pounds of hamburgers a day?

Why did the elephant buy a blonde wig?
She was tired of her red wig.

Why did the elephant take geometry?
The algebra class was full.

Why don't elephants use typewriters efficiently?
Some do, but don't like to capitalize on it.

Why do elephants spray themselves with water?
They can't get into shower stalls.

Why don't elephants smoke?
Actually, they do, if you can get them lit.

Why do elephants travel in herds?
If they travelled in flocks, they might be mistaken for sheep.

Why don't you see elephants in elevators?
Because they hide in the back corners.

How can you tell if an elephant has used your toothbrush?
It smells of peanuts.

What did Jane say when she saw an elephant in formal attire?
It must be after six.
What did Tarzan say?
Maybe he's our waiter.
What did the elephant say?
I hope they don't think I'm a penguin.

Why did the elephant call in sick?
Nobody ever calls in well.

Why do elephants give themselves showers?
Who else is going to?

Why don't elephants make good bartenders?
People stop drinking when they see them.

Where do blue elephants come from?
Unhappy families.
Where do white elephants come from?
Church bazaars.
Where do yellow elephants come from?
Chickens.

Which came first, the elephant or the mouse?
The elephant. It was running away from the mouse.

Why did the elephant go over the mountain?
She couldn't go under it.

What is an elephant after she is five years old?
Six years old.

How do you get a napkin from under an elephant?
Wait for it to get up.

How long should an elephant's legs be?
Long enough to reach the ground.

Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside-down in custard.
How can you tell if an elephant is color blind?
You can see its feet sticking out of the custard.

How can you keep an elephant from smelling?
Tie a knot in its trunk.

Why don't elephants play basketball?
They can't buy round sneakers.

Why do elephants have ivory tusks?
Iron ones would rust.

When twelve elephants fall into a lake, what is the first thing they do?
Get wet.

What's the difference between an elephant and a canary?
A canary can take a bath in a dish.

How do you make an elephant light?
Stick its tail in the socket.

Why do elephants trumpet?
Because they can't learn to play the violin.

How can you tell if an elephant is in your fridge?
It leaves footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if 2 elephants are in your fridge?
You can hear them whispering.
How can you tell if 3 elephants are in your fridge?
You can't close the door.

What's the difference between an elephant and a doughnut?
You can't dunk an elephant in your coffee.

You're in a phone booth and you see a herd of elephants charging towards you. What do you do?
Make a collect call to reverse the charge.

How do we know elephants are always unhappy?
Because of their great size. (think about this one...)

What's the first thing an elephant does in the morning?
Wake up.

What did the elephant say over the microphone?
Tusking, tusking, one, two, three.

What do you do if an elephant has a cold?
Run like mad before he sneezes.

What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A pachydermatologist.

What do you call a baby elephant in the water?
A little squirt.

How does an elephant dive into a pool?
Head first.

What's gray and not there?
No elephants!

How do you treat an elephant?
Take it out for a night on the town.

Why did the elephant paint himself black?
He wanted to fool his shadow.

How do you get an elephant from a bowl of cake mix?
Follow the instructions on the back of the box.

How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
Its bike is outside.
How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
There is a dent in the cross-bar.
How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds?
An elephant six-pack.

What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.

Why did the elephants wear pink tee-shirts?
They were all on the same team.
What did Tarzan say as he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing pink tee-shirts?
They must all be on the same team.

What's the difference between an Indian elephant and an African elephant?
About three thousand miles.

What's gray, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants?
The Tusk Fairy.

How do elephants talk to each other?
By 'elephone.

Two ants were walking on the path when they saw an elephant approaching them. They quickly ran up a tree to escape the elephant. However, when they reached the top, one ant slipped and fell right on top of the elephant. What did the other ant say to his fallen friend?
Crush that darn elephant!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephant charging over the hill at him?
Here comes the elephant charging over the hill at me!
What did Jane say when she saw the elephant charging over the hill at her?
Here comes the elephant charging over the hill at me!
What did Tarzan and Jane say when they saw the elephant, wearing dark sunglasses, charging over the hill at them?
Nothing. They didn't recognize the elephant with the dark sunglasses on.
What did Tarzan and Jane say when they saw the giraffe charging over the hill at them?
Aha! You fooled us once with the glasses, but not again...

...................... and finally,

Why do elephants wear dark sunglasses?
Would you want to be recognized if all these jokes were being told about you?


An elephant was drinking out of a river one day when he spotted a turtle basking on a log.  The elephant ambled on over and kicked the turtle clear across the river!
"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk fifty-three years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe.
"Yes, " said the elephant, "turtle recall."

Hunting Elephants

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa. 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4. During each traverse pass, a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will: (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.


Have one to add? email it to me, please! (yeah, like I need more....)

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